“A Beheading in Orchard Park”

A local legal drama in one scene

BY BEN SIEGEL

JUDGE, as played by Fred Gwynne:

“Mr. Foreman, the jury has heard testimony from the prosecution and the defense. Now it is your duty to decide the merits of Mr. Hassan’s case. You may now exit the courtroom and enter into deliberation in the jury room.”

FOREMAN, as played by Henry Fonda:
“Uhhh, your honor, you can stop right there. Iiiiii believe we have an answer.”

JUDGE:
“You do? Mr. Foreman, you understand you have the right–the expectation!–to deliberate the man’s crimes.”

FOREMAN:
“Now, now, now I understand that, your honor. Really. I do. But we are all on the same page here. This man (points to Mr. Hassan) is GUILTY!”

JUDGE:
“Mr. Foreman. Maybe you misunderstood the direction.”

FOREMAN:
“I’m sorry, your honor. I apologize, on behalf of this good jury of good men. What is ‘This man is guilty?’”

LADY IN THE GALLERY:
“Gurrrrl…….”

Anita Baker, Anita plumber.

Fitness bagel in my mouth

Thinking of joining the JCC.

Mathy tells me there’s a class called Whittle Your Middle.

So long as there’s a nice spread of bialys and shmears when I’m done.

Queries: The Rainforest

It’s probably really stinky in the rainforest, like a gym sneaker in a humid rainstorm. And I bet you scratch yourself a lot, due to the overwhelming abundance of gnats and flies, which after a while you’d want to befriend since, hey, they’re not going anywhere. When in Rome…

When is the best time of year to go to the rainforest? Is there a rainy season? Or is it always rainy? I bet the rain makes the forest incredibly overgrown. With all that rain, flowers must burst through their pots. Lots of emergency trips to the Lowes nursery.

Who feeds the plants in the rainforest? Is there a gang of rainforest rangers? I don’t want to know their umbrella budget.

Does Southwest go there? I have miles.

Favorite Things: Taking a rest.

Is she ready to retire or what!